


Fanservice

by The_Whistler



Category: Steam Powered Giraffe
Genre: F/M, Fanservice, Fluff, Humor, Nerf battles, Nonsense, Other, Romance, depression - mention, distraction, suicide - mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:42:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27375892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Whistler/pseuds/The_Whistler
Summary: The robots make every attempt to keep their fans’ minds off all the crap going on... which leads to all sorts of other shenanigans. The title says it all
Relationships: Peter Walter VI/Lorene Keaton, Rabbit & Peter Walter I (Steam Powered Giraffe), Rabbit/whoever, The Spine/various, Wanda Becile & Peter Walter IV, Zer0/lamppost
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	Fanservice

**Author's Note:**

> Stand-alone fic, just for fun, to give others a diversion from the world’s nonsense.

“Got everything ready?” The Spine asked, settling his guitar into place.

”Yep,” Rabbit replied.

”All good here,” Zer0 agreed.

They’d headed to the park with a purpose: to distract people for a little while from their troubles. There was unrest in the world, illness and fear. And the Walter Automatons wanted to help.

And, as Rabbit had pointed out to Wanda when she thought he wasn’t around to hear, The Spine had been worrying too much and needed some occupational therapy. He hadn’t appreciated being discussed behind his back, though he supposed it meant her heart was in the right place. 

The little stage was prepared. Spaces were marked for social distancing. A series of cameras were in place for those staying home to enjoy the show. And they had all decided to throw a little extra distraction into the act, this time around.

Of course, much of the show would be their usual banter. The fans already found that pretty diverting. Rabbit would make a few extra jokes here and there, throw in some additional hip waggles, and have a couple more “malfunctions.” Zer0 would sing a cover of a favorite Motown hit as a treat. And The Spine had been persuaded to sing a cover of a Queen song that some of the fans had posted about on social media.

But there were some ideas that hadn’t taken flight, and the debate raged on as showtime approached.

“Excellent turnout, all nicely separated,” The Spine said, looking out at the scattered audience from behind the speaker. “And for the last time, Rabbit, no, I will not be slowly removing my clothes.”

”Ya said they needed a distraction!”

”But we don’t need a lawsuit!”

”Lawsuit? It ain’t public indecency or anything. It’s only indecent if ya got them dangly-down man privates! All you got is an oil pan!”

”I think the act of stripping, especially the way you described, would be enough to make this show less than family friendly.”

”Why? You ashamed of yer bo-bo-body?”

”Don’t change the subject.”

”How about just tha vest? Just to get their attention?”

”How could I remove the vest while wearing a guitar?”

”You take it off sometimes...”

”Not tonight, I’m not,” he muttered.

”I can strip while wearing a guitar!” Zer0 said brightly. “Watch...”

”No!” the other two cried as one. They looked at each other and The Spine smirked. Of course... she was just trying to get his goat.

”Oh, I see,” he said. “Okay, Rabbit, if you think the act needs more sex, how about _you_ strip?”

”Alrighty!” she replied cheerfully. “Should I start with tha gloves?”

”Never mind!” he growled, his smile gone. So much for calling her bluff.

“I’m still willing,” Zer0 said with his lip sticking out.

”I was kidding. No one is taking off any clothing. We can’t put stripping into the act, got it? Peter would blow his top.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Rabbit sighed. You couldn’t argue with the head Walter. “But maybe...”

The Spine pinched the bridge of his nose. “What?”

”Do _somethin’_ at least a _little_ sexy? Recite some poetry or somethin’? So just look into tha main camera and recite a poem. For tha fans.”

”Well... I guess. You sure you want me to do it?”

”Yeah, you know tha most poetry.”

”I know a limerick!” Zer0 offered. “There once was a lass from Madras, who had an incredible-“

”No... I don’t think so,” The Spine interrupted hastily.

”I know a lot more, and they’re a lot dirtier,” Rabbit laughed. “So I guess it’s on you, Spine.”

”I bet you know plenty of clean poems, Rabbit. But I’d be glad to do it. I enjoy poetry. Possibly something inspirational?”

”Nah, a love poem! Ya g-g-got that bedroom voice and tha ladies’ll go nuts!”

”But so many people are alone. It would be cruel to make them listen to a romantic poem.”

”I doubt that.”

”I don’t. It already feels gratuitous to be singing a cover of ‘Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy.’”

”Nah, it works with it! They’ll love it! They’ll ga-gaze into yehr eyes and fantasize that yehr recitin’ love poetry to ‘em!”

The Spine cringed. “That tears it. Definitely no love poetry! There will be kids watching, and that song will provide more than enough sex for any Steam Powered Giraffe stage show. And I know a nice Robert Frost poem about seeds and gardening.”

”Boooring...” Rabbit moaned.

”I think it offers hope that the world moves on despite challenges. When shall I recite it?”

“Ugh, fine. How about after ‘Me an’ My Baby’? Since Miss Chelsea can’t be here so we won’t have tha big finish?”

”Excellent.”

The show went well. Zer0 crooned a cover of “Lean on Me” and the audience cried softly. Rabbit sang “Latum Alterum” and they perked right back up again. The Spine swept them off their feet with his Queen cover. And they all brought up the mood with “Steamboat Shenanigans.”

The Spine sang “Me and My Baby” and the other two turned toward The Spine as the song ended. He smiled, swung his guitar behind him and pulled up his poetry file, selecting an old favorite. Parts of it had always confused him a little but he was almost positive it was another of Frost’s nice poems about nature. He loved those. In any case, there was nothing sexual in it, despite Rabbit’s pleading for something steamy.

He spoke in a soft voice, unlike the one he usually used on stage. Poetry required a delicate touch.

”Putting in the Seed, by Robert Frost,” he murmured.

He heard a soft gasp from somewhere in the audience. So there was a poetry lover out there! Nice.

”You come to fetch me from my work to-night, when supper's on the table, and we'll see if I can leave off burying the white, soft petals fallen from the apple tree. (Soft petals, yes, but not so barren quite, mingled with these, smooth bean and wrinkled pea...)”

Rabbit made a soft eep as if suppressing a laugh. Well, that was to be expected. She had never had cared much for traditional poetry unless it helped her pick up girls. 

“And go along with you ere you lose sight of what you came for and become like me, slave to a springtime passion for the earth. How love burns through the putting in the seed...”

He heard the faintest of snickers from Zer0. He supposed that last line might have sounded a little metaphorically suggestive... No. It was about gardening. 

“On through the watching for that early birth when, just as the soil tarnishes with weed, the sturdy seedling with arched body comes...”

A soft splutter of laughter from Rabbit. That line was even more suggestive... if one let oneself think of it that way. He just hoped the audience didn’t hear her giggling.

“Shouldering its way and shedding the earth crumbs,” The Spine finished. 

There. Nothing sexy about it at all. Although some of the ladies in the audience were fanning themselves as though... Well, San Diego was a warm place. He dismissed his concerns and brought his guitar back around for the next song.

The show continued as usual and went well enough, through “Honeybee,” “Shattered Stars,” “Clockwork Vaudeville” and “Brass Goggles.” At the end, The Spine cornered Rabbit.

”Alright, what was the problem with the poem?” he demanded.

”Ya recited a love poem, that’s all. Might have even had some hints about sex in it.”

”It most certainly did not!”

”’The sturdy seedling with arched body comes?’”

”That... that’s how seeds grow, Rabbit!”

”Uh-huh. Only ta me, it sounds like he’s do-do-doin’ _it_ with someone, an’ robbin’ tha cradle besides!”

”But it was about nature!” The Spine spluttered.

”Sex is natural...”

The Spine pinched the bridge of his nose again.

Zer0 hung up his guitar and strolled away as casually as he could manage. Speaking of love... There they were!

He tried to act casual. He always did. They were kind of quiet, but they were at every park performance. There had to be a reason!

Zer0 walked up to them, admiring the brightness of their face, their long, slender body. So beautiful, just like the first time he’d seen them, on this very spot. They’d been with their siblings, as they were now, but this one had been special, the only one that had caught his eye.

He watched them for a little while, hoping they would speak first. When they didn’t, he summoned his courage and stepped in closer.

“Hey,” he murmured. “Nice to see you again! How’d ya like the show?”

Silence. That’s right, they were shy. Or... they might not be interested. He wasn’t sure so he didn’t come on too strong.

”You’re looking well. Is that a new outfit?”

It looked new. Maybe it was just cleaner.

”Well... I gotta go, but... I just wanted to say hi. I hope I see you again soon. I... miss you when I don’t.”

He heard the other two approaching. He turned with a smile.

”Oh, hey! I was just coming back...”

”You... were talking to the lamppost...” The Spine said blankly.

”Oh... yeah... but they never have much to say back so I do all the talking.”

”To a lamppost.”

”Yeah!” Zer0 leaned in close. “Aren’t they beautiful?”

”Yehr sweet on tha la-lamppost?” Rabbit asked in a whisper.

”Well... yeah,” Zer0 replied bashfully. “They’re so cute and bright and quiet...”

”I thought all that was just for the stage act... and the video!” The Spine said.

”What? I’d never play around with their affections like that!”

The Spine’s fins slowly slid out as he stared at Zer0. “You do realize it doesn’t... they don’t... I mean, they’re not... Rabbit, a little help?”

”Sure thing, big guy. Zer0, buddy...do they have a sister?” Rabbit asked eagerly. 

The Spine was pinching the bridge of his nose again. Zer0 grinned and pointed. “A whole row of them!” he replied. “At least, they could be sisters... I’ve been too nervous to ask for pronouns.”

”Saaaayyyyy...”

”Don’t,” The Spine said tersely. “Just... don’t even think about it.”

”Aw, Spine. Not every girl can dance!”

”You’re not helping.”

Rabbit snickered. “Ya know I’m ju-ju-just pullin’ yehr leg. I’m gonna go take a look around, though. Kinda wanna walk through tha park a little. It’s been a while.”

”True,” The Spine murmured, looking down the familiar sidewalks in the deepening darkness. The crowd had carefully dispersed and the instruments were packed and waiting to be taken home. “Peter’s on his way with the van. You have time to take a stroll.”

”Ya wanna come?”

”No, someone has to watch over the instruments.”

”I can!” Zer0 said cheerfully. But his eyes were still on the lamppost.

”Oh, um... I wouldn’t want you to have to leave your, um... friend,” The Spine faltered. “I’ll see to it.”

”Alright,” Rabbit said. “See ya in a bit.”

She ambled off down the sidewalk, looking at all the familiar spots where she and the others had performed over the decades. Sometimes in skirts, sometimes in trousers. She knew she’d been sexy in both. Maybe she could come up with some lady trousers... but then there wouldn’t be that little chance of her skirt flying up like Marilyn Monroe’s. 

Rabbit snickered. Someday... 

She stopped short.  _This_ spot. This courtyard had been the location of hundreds of little shows, but this spot in particular was the first place they had ever busked. She’d been just recently fitted for musical work after the war. She’d had a little squeezebox and was sad because she was afraid to ask Pappy to finish making her a girl. He’d been so angry the time before...

She flinched, just slightly. She’d already worked through a lot of that but it still hurt to remember. He’d been drunk and heartbroken but it had taken her years to understand and forgive him. She loved him, yes, she had been devoted to him. And deep down, just a little, just enough to hurt, she had hated him, just for one thing... for not loving her enough to let the past go and make her into what he had designed her to be.

But now... She wasn’t upset anymore, because now she could look back at most of her life and remember that while she had wanted to be pretty, she had still been happy. A lot of the things that were associated with femininity were just for looks, and a lot of the others she had done anyway because they weren’t just feminine traits. She had been what she had wanted to be in spite of her appearance.

Here, for example... at their first performance, she had hugged The Spine and assured him that he could do this. He’d been so nervous, and she had comforted him and helped him go on with it. She liked to tease him at concerts these days because he was as confident as could be. But that day, he’d been like a nervous child. In fact, he technically _had_ been a nervous child! And she had been his caring big sister. He'd thought it was the concern of a big brother, of course, but Rabbit knew, and Rabbit acted. The important part was the love and support.

She turned around in the darkened courtyard. Each spot had a memory. The time a child had laughed until he fell over at Rabbit’s funny faces. The young girl who had kissed The Spine on the cheek. The first time The Jon had successfully clicked his heels and landed on his feet, and was so excited he just fell over anyway. The time an old man had fainted on a hot day and Rabbit and The Spine had carried him into the shade while Jon fetched water, and they had all gotten a special thank you later because it had been the Mayor’s father.

So many of these with Pappy in attendance, or Two or Three or Four... Four. She didn’t like to think of him too much. What had really happened up there..?

She froze. Was something... moving? But she was being silly. It was a park and night had only just fallen. It fell early this time of year anyway. Tended to make the shadows look like more than they really were. She started to turn.

And stopped cold. There it was again! Right in front of her eyes. An outline of a person, just a faintness like the edge of a figure on an x-ray.

”I gotta be dreamin’...” Rabbit breathed.

The shape began to grow clearer until she was able to make out the form of a man walking across the courtyard. His clothing looked old... perhaps Victorian. 

“Pappy...” she whispered.

He continued his walk, stopped at the edge of the courtyard on her left, and crouched as if to pick something up. His head turned. He put his hand to his eyes and... faded away.

Rabbit gaped into the darkness. What had she just seen? Was it really... a ghost? Or a shadow of a memory replaying inside her head, because of where she was? Sometimes the Blue Matter could do mysterious things. But only very rarely had she seen anything like this! Sure, she’d glimpsed the odd suspicious glimmer of movement occasionally in her many years, things no human could perceive, on an old battlefield or in a very old house. But it was never anyone she knew!

It _could_ have been Pappy. He didn’t seem aware of anything, fortunately. Maybe it was just a memory... if not of hers, then of the stones. Not that she didn’t remember something similar to it... from another perspective...

_”...Pappy? What’s wrong?” Rabbit said, looking back over her shoulder._

_They’d just finished a performance. Pappy had stopped after picking up Rabbit’s melodica and had his hand over his face._

_”Ya got a headache, Pa-Pappy?” Rabbit asked._

_”Yes...” the man said, emerging. He rubbed casually at his eyes and smiled a weary smile. “I’m fine. Join your brothers, I’ll be along... son.”_

_His face twitched and he turned away._

_Son. Rabbit had managed not to flinch. She had accepted that she was to be a boy and tried to think of herself that way, but it was hard. And maybe Pappy had a headache... but he looked so sad. Well, headaches made humans sad. Rabbit sighed and followed the others_.

”You were sorry,” Rabbit whispered. “You were sorry about all of it. An’ I forgive you, Pappy.”

”Rabbit!” called a voice.

”Pappy?” she gasped, turning.

It was The Spine. She relaxed, shaking a little. Of course it was The Spine! But for a moment she'd thought it was... well, it didn't matter. Maybe she'd imagined the whole thing! Maybe she just needed stasis!

But her visual logs were crisp and clear. She’d seen the shade of someone who looked a lot like Pappy haunting the courtyard. Or, at least... the memory of him. It didn’t seem like it _knew_ it was a ghost, so to speak. That helped a little.

And it was more than enough for one night! She hurried back to the others. Peter was there with the van and they’d started loading equipment.

”Just you this time?” The Spine was asking.

”Well, yeah,” Peter replied. “You three can load the gear better than the staff can. You just need someone to drive.”

”I’m an excellent driver,” Zer0 assured him. “Definitely an excellent driver.”

”When you can keep from snapping off the steering wheel,” Rabbit chuckled, scooping up a box of smaller boxes and stuffing it into the van.

Zer0 shrugged and clambered in with an impressively large bundle of stage equipment.

”Still, I kinda f-f-f-figured maybe Walter Girl Lorene would ride shotgun,” Rabbit added, grinning at The Spine. 

For once, The Spine grinned back. It was easier to find Rabbit's barbs funny when the target was someone else... and the arrow had hit dead center, by the sudden redness of Peter's ears and neck.

“What? Why?” he asked.

”You an’ her are kinda close, right?”

”We’ve had some very nice conversations, yes...”

”Pillow talk?” Rabbit purred, waggling her eyebrows.

”Muzzle it, Rabbit,” The Spine said without much force. There was still a smile on his face.

”What was that?” Peter asked absently as he carefully bundled wires that Rabbit could have sworn had already been rolled up.

”Nothin’, Petes.”

_Fine, stay in your bubble and play dumb if you want,_ she thought. _But there’s room in a bubble for two._ She chuckled and went to gather her props.

Peter hastily scooped up a stacking of coiled wires and stuffed them into a box, then got into the driver’s seat. Once the robots and gear were in the back, he drove home, his thoughts in turmoil once again.

Why did everyone have to tease him about her? Clearly they had nothing better to do! After all, she’d only been working there a few months, where several other women had worked there for years and no one had said a thing. But no, they couldn't shut up about Lorene... that is, Walter Worker Lorene... since the day when she’d shown up!

He sighed, a little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. What a day that had been! She’d been just _poured_ into that dress...

Who was he kidding? He was head over heels in love with her! It wasn’t love at first sight, but it certainly had been a steep slide from the first time he saw her right into being completely besotted. 

He’d been minding his own business, killing time with his giant cat Marshmallow while he waited for the new intern, thinking that it was funny that someone named Roosevelt had named their son Theodore after the President. He was even looking forward to some household jokes springing up about having an intern with the name.

And in had walked Rabbit and The Spine with a beautiful girl in a flowing dress. She seemed kind of stunned... not that he was surprised, seeing as how she’d just been hauled through his cat’s fur by Rabbit. Also... she’d just met a giant cat.

It had seemed a bit pretentious to bow to her but something odd had come over him from the moment he saw her face. As they toured the Manor it had only increased. She was bright, funny, a little weird, had a cute smile... it was hard not to like her! 

And she passed the “Hatchworth is stuck in the chair” test with flying colors, by suggesting the obvious answer. She could have tried to look smarter by coming up with complex solutions to the problem, but she didn’t, even though the obvious answer made her employer look like an idiot. And that was the goal of the test... to make sure a potential intern would aim for the best answer despite the risk of offending someone. He didn’t mind being called out by the staff and didn’t want anyone there who couldn’t stand up to him when he got on a roll.

She was handed off eventually to Wanda, leaving Peter to grapple with what had just happened to him. He took one day to move from denial to acceptance of the fact that he had fallen in love, another week to conclude that trying to think his way out of the emotional response was never going to work. He was fully hooked.

And since then he’d simply had to be a big boy about it and work with her the same way he worked with the other staff. Sure, from time to time he was gripped with the urge to pull her into his arms, but he could control himself just fine. He wasn’t a slave to his passions. Considering she was excellent at what she did and that the alternative was for her to leave the Manor forever, what choice did he have? Better to be able to see her every day as a colleague than to never see her again.

Some people would have called it an ethics issue, but he didn’t have a problem with workplace romances. Peter just felt it was polite not to burden her with his emotional baggage. It would be unprofessional to make her pay the price for his weakness. If he’d thought for one second she felt the same... well, he didn’t let himself speculate. And he could have... now and then he could swear he wasn’t the only one lingering when they should be moving on to the next task, standing just a bit closer than was usual, smiling a little too easily at a passing remark. But he was so terrible at reading people!

He pulled into the driveway and they unloaded the van. The robots headed inside with the equipment while he moved the van into the garage.

His thoughts had moved on to more scientific things by the time he jogged inside whistling. Just a few steps into the laboratory wing, however, he collided fully with a soft shape and caught her by the arms to stop her from falling. Seeing who it was, he gasped, remembering how she’d felt against him...

_Keep it together,_ Walter, he thought. _Let's see... maybe ponder the Collatz Conjecture..._

”Oh! Mr. Walter, I’m so sorry!” Lorene said breathlessly as he began making mental calculations to keep himself grounded. “I’d heard you were back and I wanted you to come take a look at the experiment I’ve been working on.”

Her arms felt nice. Toned but soft. He hastily let her go lest his thoughts be pulled back from the scientific to the aesthetic. He'd done it before and he could do it again. He owed it to her.

”Sure! What’s up?” he asked briskly, following her into the lab.

_You can do this. Just let yourself sink into the science..._

“Well... I was trying to come up with a compound that would cause Blue Matter to temporarily cycle more slowly so that we could handle it safely during maintenance and potentially have a vet check out The Jon’s koi the next time he’s in town...”

”Oh, I dunno about the vet thing. I’m not sure that fish is actually a product of this planet. It doesn’t appear to age.”

”Well, it would still be a useful compound to have around the house, anyway.” She stopped at a table covered in various test tubes, beakers, and other scientific apparatus. “So I think I have something here that might get the job done. After a bit more testing, of course. Once it’s been confirmed safe, it might even help with your... um... you know.”

”My what?” he asked blankly.

”Your...” She looked down with a sheepish smile and gestured limply at his mask. “Your face, Mr. Walter.”

”Oh!”

”Since you have that Blue Matter disfigurement, I mean...”

”Well, to be honest,” he said, rubbing his neck sheepishly. “That’s ... look, don’t spread this around or anything, but it’s not actually what people seem to think it is. I let them think what they want, but the truth is that I don’t have some kind of gleaming blue void behind this mask.”

She blushed. “Oh, I guess I misunderstood. I had heard you’d lost your face in an explosion, but since you still talk and see and everything I thought it must be something like a portal...”

A portal! That would be cool. But as much as he wanted to continue on a more scientific topic, it seemed wrong to let her remain in ignorance. At least, he wanted her to understand. Her, of all people.

”That’s a common misconception. I do tell people I lost my face but it’s a bit of gallows humor. I suffered Blue Matter burns over most of my face, which means that the skin is very conspicuously scarred and gives off a certain amount of the radiation when not properly covered. But it’s very much there. It’s a bit like the Phantom of the Opera,” he chuckled. “Only with some Blue Matter arcing.”

She chuckled nervously. “Which... Phantom of the Opera?”

“Does it matter?”

”Oh, well...” She was bright red again. She seemed to blush a lot... “I, uh... just noticed that you can speak. And the old silent movie Phantom appeared to have no lips. Others have been disfigured enough that they had slurred speech. I just figured since you speak clearly, your lips must be just fine.”

She was _awfully_ interested in his lips. He felt his neck growing warmer and his mental calculations were starting to lag.

”Oh, yes," he replied hastily. "Like I said, it was the top layers of skin. It left my face intact but with a weird, thin layer of scar tissue covering most of it. I’m kinda self-conscious about it. And there’s the lingering radiation, of course.”

”Ah. How much radiation?”

”Oh, not a great deal by now. A small amount of arcing... a bare fraction of what you absorb daily while working. Looks like more when disturbed but it's primarily visual.”

”Oh, good! I mean... that’s good that it’s dissipating.”

”Yes, it’s reassuring. I could even take off the mask at home. Not sure if I will, though. Like I said... self-conscious.”

”But you shouldn’t... well, I won’t tell you how to feel. But I’m sure no one here would be bothered by it.”

”I suppose not. But I’d always wonder whether they were just pretending not to find me grotesque.”

And that, he realized, was the shallower but more compelling reason he never made a move. Even if she was romantically interested in him... how would she feel about his scarred face?

”You think they’d lie?” she was asking.

”Not exactly lie. Just... not say how much it bothered them.”

They fell silent, Lorene looking at his mask in a thoughtful sort of way.

”And now you’re wondering what it looks like, aren’t you?” he asked with a nervous chuckle.

He wanted it over with. Something in him insisted she was different, that she wouldn't let so much ride on the condition of his skin. But his doubt prevailed. If she saw his face and flinched, recoiled... he'd never even consider romance with her again. Because he didn't want to be with someone who found him disgusting... even if she was trying to get past it. He wasn't strong enough.

”I must confess that I am,” she said, smiling. "But I wouldn't presume."

”The very reason I don’t tell people I have one... the curiosity. But... if you want, you can see...”

”Oh! No, I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable!” she objected, hands raised defensively.

”I... I don’t think you could. I mean... I’ve come to trust you since your arrival.”

”Oh,” she breathed. “Thank you, Mr. Walter.”

”And on that note... I wish you would call me Peter like the other Walter Workers.”

”But I don’t call them Peter,” she said with a little smile.

He stared at her. Did she think... “Oh!” he cried, laughing. “I mean... you had me for a moment... I meant...”

”I know... Peter.”

He shivered. Yes, it was nice to hear her say his name.

“So yeah..." he said, "you can see my face if you like. In fact, you’d be doing me a favor. I had wondered whether I was overreacting about how bad I look.”

_And your opinion is the one that matters most in the world to me..._

She looked up at his mask. Raising both shaking hands she murmured, “May I, then?”

He glanced at the open doorway and nodded. Here it came.

Lorene gently removed the mask. Peter closed his eyes, afraid, in spite of his intentions, to see her reaction. He felt her fingers caress his face, lightly tracing the spiderweb scars on his skin. Little flashes of blue could be seen even through his eyelids. He gave in and opened them.

She didn’t look afraid. She seemed fascinated. His heart pounded as her fingers touched his lips, still with no indication of disgust. She smiled. 

”I don’t find you grotesque at all, Peter,” she whispered.

He felt like he was melting. “Oh!” he giggled nervously, suddenly more self-conscious about her ability to now read his facial expressions than he was about the scarring.

”I think the family and staff wouldn’t, either,” she said reassuringly.

Another shiver. “Yeah, but... it might still hurt them to see it. My mom, especially. You expect a mom to accept you, at least, they should. Mine would. But it would hurt her to see her son like this.”

”I think she’d love you as you are, because you’re her child. I think the staff cares, too. For who you are, not just for how you look.”

”You think... the staff cares about me?” he said hoarsely.

She laid his mask on the table.

”I’m sure they do,” Lorene murmured, turning back to him. "Very much."

“That’s reassuring to know. I mean, that someone cares.”

“Of course they do." She looked down at the floor. "I’d... I’d even suggest... well...”

”What is it?” he murmured.

”I think that they... _love_ you.”

There was a warmth to her voice he hadn’t noticed before. It made his hair stand on end and any lingering, half-hearted mental calculations shattered completely.

”You really think so?” he asked breathlessly.

”I _know_ they do,” she whispered.

She looked up and into his eyes. His heart was thundering. Could it be?

”Then...” He gulped back his panic and decided to follow her lead. “They should know that I... I love them, too.”

Her eyes widened. ”Should... should any one person in particular know that... Peter?” she breathed.

“Yes,” he confessed, giving in and stroking her cheek. “I hope she does. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell her for months.”

“Then... tell her. Because... she’s been trying to do the same.”

Peter took her by the hand, shaking with fear. She could be talking about someone else, though he couldn’t imagine who. It seemed more like she was referring to herself. He so often misread the room but he could swear she was. After all... she hadn't pulled her hand away.

”Lorene...” he whispered, looking down at her. “I love you.”

Her fingers tightened around his. With her other hand, she pulled him closer.

”I love you, too.”

Their lips met in a shower of blue sparks. His heart felt much the same.

The next minute passed with only the sound of the lab equipment, Peter’s heart throbbing in his ears and the whispery sounds of their breaths mingling. Peter felt dizzier than he had when the Blue Matter had hit him in the face. He put his arms around her as though trying to stabilize himself but the feeling of her in his arms only made his head float more. Her arms tightened around him and he decided this was as good as life could get.

This warm, soft bliss was interrupted by the sound of a very saucy whistle. They parted and turned to look.

”’Bout time,” Rabbit quipped, leaning against the door frame. “So when ya gonna get ta work on making Peter VII?”

Peter almost threw his mask at her. But Lorene giggled.

”Don’t come an dismantle me, I’ll leave ya alone. Just make sure ya invite me to tha hen party. I know a guy who jumps outta cakes an’ strips down ta his...”

”Rabbit!” barked a voice.

Rabbit scurried away before they could say anything, The Spine hot on her heels, tipping his hat hastily at them as he passed.

Peter was momentarily at a loss, but Lorene was smiling up at him. He couldn’t be angry now.

”Well, I’m glad you like to be called ‘Peter’ because I’m definitely not calling you ‘Mr. Walter’ now,” she said warmly.

He almost suggested calling her “Mrs. Walter.” He was entirely open to the change, or no change if she wanted to keep her name... But that was something that could wait a while. Instead, he smiled and picked up their kiss where it had left off.

“She’s obsessed with sex. I think we should put a tracker on her until we find out what she’s up to,” The Spine said.

Wanda sighed and reached into the mailbox. “She already has a tracker, Spine...”

”Then one of those ankle cuff things that goes off if she leaves the grounds...”

”You want to put her on house arrest?” she demanded.

”Y-no... maybe?”

”I’ll talk with her later. Right now I want to go through the mail, okay?”

He closed his eyes, steamed softly through his spines, and looked at her again. 

“Fine.”

Wanda headed to her office, sorted the various pieces of mail, tucking one carefully into her pocket. This one, she would read in privacy.

It was a bit of an obstacle course to get past the various robot antics and to her room to lock herself away. Even Norman wasn’t privy to this, and he respected her privacy. Fortunately, he was currently playing cutthroat checkers with Zer0. That always took a while.

She sank to her bed and tugged open the envelope eagerly. The letter was typed.

”Hi, sis.”

Wanda grinned, but there was always an ache with the joy that came of reading his letters. He had to type them, since he had a hard time managing fine motor movements now. Pens tended to slide in his smooth hands and computer keyboards shattered at his lightest touch, but he had found a stiff, antique typewriter that he could manage.

And while she was thrilled he was alive... he had lost so much. Writing to her, being able to be her little brother again for a while, was apparently one of his remaining joys. She would hope that saving the world was a source of satisfaction, too. But he never said as much.

”How have you been? How are all the robots holding up, and little Pete? I know, he’s like, 6’3” now, maybe even married with kids, but he’ll always be little Pete to me even if he never knows who I am. Same with Peter V. Though I heard he’s gotten senile, is that true? Man, time flies. Well, for some of us... you still look like you did when I left.”

He didn’t mention himself. He had certainly changed! But it didn’t seem likely he would again... ever.

”Thanks for the photos, by the way. Everyone looks great. Rabbit’s new look is going well... or is it her old look? Grandpappy sure screwed that up. And Zer0... who knew he was still down there? Poor guy! And Jon and Hatchworth and Upgrade... all out and seeing the world and beyond! I just wish I could see them in person, all of you. But I’m taking enough risk writing these letters. If some of these creeps I have to deal with found out about you guys... well, I don’t want to freak you out. You know how it is.”

She did. Wanda wiped tears and continued reading.

”So I found out today... Holly just passed.”

”Oh!” gasped Wanda, her hand on her throat. “Oh, sweetheart...”

”It was a shock, even though she’d been sick. She wasn’t exactly young, either. And she’d been through Hell. But I know she isn’t there now. If anyone would go to Heaven, it’s Holly. She was a saint. I’m just glad she finally moved on with her life. She had kids, y’know? And I understand her husband is a great guy.

“I’ve quietly arranged for funeral expenses to be covered by an ‘anonymous’ benefactor. It’s the least I can do. I broke every promise I ever made to her once, just by being... like this. I couldn’t be a husband, couldn’t give her kids, couldn’t even f***ing kiss her. Sorry for the language, but sometimes it just hurts so much and I can’t tell anyone else about it.”

”I know, kid,” she whispered. “Sister Wanda will always listen.”

”Well, I don’t want to be a bummer. How about I tell you about some of the hero stuff I’ve done? I don’t want to brag, but it’s been an interesting month and I bet you could use some cheer, what with the pandemic and the White House fascist idiot hiding in his bunker. I could have sworn we’d learned our lesson after World War II, but here we are. I'm just glad he's not the one I answer to.

”Oh, real quick before I start on that. You know that metal thing the sheep counters found in Utah? The one everyone is getting so worked up about? It wasn’t aliens. I can’t go into it more than that, but trust me, it’s just marking a spot. Sometimes a guy just needs to mark a spot and everyone flips out!

”Alright, on to my adventures. Let’s see... I'll start with the little stuff. I saved a kitten from a tree two weeks ago. Seriously...”

Wanda read the whole letter through, three times. He had some amazing adventures and she never tired of hearing about them. The kitten had been real, but the rest of his interventions had been far more impressive. He was probably not supposed to tell her much about them, but the few people who knew about his letters never tattled.

When she felt she had absorbed the content, she slipped downstairs and tossed it all into the furnace, envelope, letter, and all. So Peter had demanded after the first letter, back in the 60s. She had readily complied; it had been enough for her then to know her little brother was still alive.

Returning to her room, she pulled out her phone and typed a message to an email address with an obscure mail service. The contact was titled simply as “Peachwater.”

”Hey, baby boy! I got your letter. Your adventures are the best, always keep ‘em coming. We’re all fine here. Peter V is getting a bit dotty but is still fine.

”I’m so sorry about Holly. I wish I could come and hug you and tell you it’s going to be okay. I can only send you virtual hugs right now...”

Or ever. She closed her eyes for a moment.

”But I know you’re strong enough to get through this. On the inside. We know how strong your body is, but your mind is stronger still and you can do this. Don’t forget it.”

Because she wondered sometimes. When she did eventually die, as Peter’s only sister and his only immediate family, the only person who knew him in the flesh who knew he was still alive... would that be the thing that broke him, once and for all? She knew him well, all his life. He’d always had bouts of depression, though he’d seemed to be past them when he was chosen for the launch, or they never would have let him join. She had seen the signs in his letters since then. When she at last passed away, would he sink into the depression that had been looming for decades, or worse? Was it even possible for a crystal man to commit suicide?

”So don’t give up, okay? No matter what,” she pleaded.

She only hoped it was enough to keep him going, even when she was gone.

”Now let me tell you some of our unbelievably stupid adventures,” she replied, grinning through her tears. “The most recent is that The Spine thinks Rabbit has become obsessed with sex...”

She eventually emerged from her room after finishing her email and having a bit of a cry.

Not that she had intended to just yet... she had to. There were always shouts in Walter Manor, but it had sounded for several minutes like things had... escalated.

She opened her door to pitch blackness. What now?

"Sex Machine 5000 stalks its enemy..." a voice hissed in the darkness.

"Really?" shouted another voice, clearly The Spine's.

"I wanted ta be Sex Machine 5000!" This one had to be Zer0.

"No one is gonna call themselves f***ing Sex Machine 5000!" The Spine roared.

"Ooo, language!" Rabbit crowed.

Ah. Yes, something was afoot.

There was a strange little _thoomp_ , followed by a _pok_ and a soft snarl. Wanda stepped back into the doorway.

"I'm telling you, if you call yourself that, I'm not playing!"

"What?" Rabbit demanded.

Another _thoomp_ and a cry of apparent indignation from Rabbit.

"You cheated! Ya got me upset and shot me when I was co-co-comin' out ta talk!"

"You didn't say that! It's a fair kill!"

It was beginning to dawn on Wanda what was happening as her eyes adjusted a little to the darkness. She slipped back into her room to prepare, but she could hear their shouts through the open doorway.

Another faint _thoomp_ and a _pok._

"Hey! No shootin’ in the back!" Zer0 objected.

"I didn't shoot ya, dummins!" Rabbit replied.

"Well, it wasn't me! I'm hiding in the... never mind," The Spine added.

There was the sound of scuffling. Zer0 cried out.

"Miss Camille, how could you?"

Wanda heard a giggle and the patter of dainty feet running down the hallway. So it was spreading to the staff. Oh, yes. She wanted in on this action.

She heard the soft little pop of a suction cup dart being removed as she crept from her room wearing a pair of night vision goggles and sporting a Zombie Strike Flipfury Blaster. She'd learned long since she needed serious firepower in the event of impromptu Nerf battles.

The voices continued, their owners still obscured despite the augmented vision she now possessed. But there were several opened doorways and a cross hallway ahead, likely the places where each robot was concealed.

"She shot me in tha back of my head!" Zer0 said pitifully. A suction cup dart flew from one doorway and fell aimlessly onto the hallway floor.

"He who lives by the dart, dies by the dart!" The Spine said darkly.

”I’m too young to die!” Zer0 howled.

”He’s only a boy!” Rabbit shouted dramatically. “Have a heart! Think! Of! The! Children!”

”It’s just a Nerf battle,” The Spine muttered. “Drama queen.”

She was getting a bead on each location as she crept closer. There was a click and a pop and a dart struck the center of her night vision goggles and stayed; Rabbit, like Camille, favored the suction cup variety.

”We all have night vision, baby. Nice try, though,” she said, peering around a pile of pillows that were forming a barricade at one of the doorways.

Wanda ducked into the nearest room, feeling a bit stupid; she knew perfectly well that they had night vision. Well, she was in it now, either way. She popped the dart off her goggles and joined joyfully in as the battle recommenced. 

Peter V had started the Nerf battles. Peter VI had rolled his eyes (back when you could see them) at them, once he’d hit 18 or so, and said they were all too old for that. Wanda knew better. She should have been too old for it, too, by his definition, but she didn’t feel like she was. Some things you were never too old for.

And both Peter V and VI had been in many a battle before VI decided he was too grown up. Although, according to what The Spine had told her earlier, Peter VI had finally taken a very grown-up step and kissed that sweet girl Lorene. It was about time... everyone else had long since recognized those two were in love. Though how he’d been able to do it was still a mystery to her. The Spine had insisted Peter had a face but that he hadn’t taken the time to look at it properly. 

And speak of the devil... “Why is it dark in here?” called a voice from the side hallway.

”Lock and load, Petes!” Rabbit shouted.

”Are you kidding me?”

”I’d never kid about a war, boy!” she called back in the deep, bass tones of a crusty old soldier.

Wanda snickered. Rabbit sounded sweet and feminine on stage but at home she spoke anyway she wanted. Apparently right now she wanted to be a an old soldier.

”Spine?” Peter said, confused by the voice. She still couldn’t see him.

”No, but... I’m here...” The Spine responded, leaning out of his hiding spot. He sounded embarrassed.

Wanda heard another shot and an indignant shout from The Spine, who now had a suction cup dart right in the center of his forehead. He forgot his embarrassment in his rage and started firing at Rabbit’s barricade.

The rest of them began firing once more. Wanda was having a marvelous time, and hoped Peter would loosen up and join in like he used to... or at least not interfere with their fun.

There was a hum. All of the darts stopped in place, gently hovering in midair. Wanda peered out, astonished. They were in the positions you’d expect from the relative locations of each gun, yet each dart wobbled softly in place instead of continuing to its target.

Peter entered the hallway and strolled, unmasked, down the center of the makeshift battlefield, gently brushing aside the floating darts. Wanda gasped softly. There was so much scar tissue on his face! Yet the features were the same, just covered in a spiderweb of lines as though stretched and shrunk back into place. It almost looked like makeup, thin but extensive. The only sign of the rumored Blue Matter vacuum was that the lines glowed softly of their own accord in the darkness.

So that was how he and Lorene had been able to kiss. And apparently her acceptance had been enough to get him past his insecurity about it. Wanda could just see what looked like a smudge of lipstick near his mouth. Well, then.

”First of all... let’s review. What’s the first rule of a Nerf battle here?” Peter asked casually.

”Take no prisoners!” Rabbit roared.

”Rabbit...”

”No one talks about Nerf battles?” Zer0 offered.

”Strike two.”

”Never give up, never surrender?” The Spine added, to Wanda’s amusement. She’d expected him to break and go along with the authority figure.

”And you’re out. The first rule is, clear it with me first. Remember? In case there’s any issues.”

”Sorry,” Rabbit grumbled.

”Second?”

”Take no prisoners!” Rabbit bellowed.

Peter sighed deeply. “No attacking innocent bystanders.”

”Does that include you?” Zer0 asked. “‘Cause I heard you lost your innocence earlier...”

”What” Peter cried.

Rabbit laughed like The Riddler while Peter shook his head.

”It was just a kiss, Zer0,” Peter said wearily.

”Oh. Does that mean you’re married?”

”No...”

”But what if she’s pregnant?”

Rabbit’s laughter redoubled. Part of her pillow fort collapsed into the hallway.

”I think maybe Rabbit shouldn’t be allowed to explain human behaviors to Zer0 without supervision, Peter,” The Spine said.

”Yeah...” Peter said dryly. “Look, tell me the third rule and I’ll leave you to it.”

“Take no...” Rabbit began. Her words failed in a renewed fit of laughter.

”Freaking five year olds, I swear...” Peter muttered. “Anyone else?”

”Clean up afterward, Peter. We know,” Wanda called.

”Aunt Wanda?” he cried, his voice dripping with exasperation.

”Yes! Of course! Now shut off your little toy so we can go back to destroying each other. It’s been a long week.”

He sighed, looked up as if to appeal to the very heavens, and turned to go.

”Alright, but just... don’t break anything.”

He started to walk away. Wanda took aim at Rabbit’s barricade, waiting for Peter to exit the hallway.

But he stopped, holding one hand in the air.

“Although...” he said without looking back, “I think maybe you need a little extra challenge this time.”

”What?” The Spine asked.

Wanda was baffled. The moment Peter exited the hallway, something else entered. She peered at it in confusion as the hum stopped and the suspended darts dropped to the floor. It was a robot, for sure. A little plastic one. And the moment the darts hit the floor, the little robot began shooting.

”Prairie fire!” Rabbit shouted. “We’ve been hornswoggled!”

“Alien invaders!” Zer0 shrieked, unloading on it.

The Spine had no response besides his Nerf darts. Wanda giggled and joined in. So Peter had loosened up a little! Between his clever forcefield and this attack robot, it seemed he’d been thinking about it for a while and was just waiting for his chance to unleash Hell... from a distance. Trust a mechanical genius to come up with shenanigans like these!

Eventually the robot ran out of ammunition. They shot at it until it fell over, then bellowed a unanimous victory shout and unloaded all remaining ammo onto each other.

The war wrapped up in the library, where Zer0 “attacked” Rabbit by slowly plucking off his many Nerf darts and tossing them at her head. Peter eventually wandered in holding Lorene’s hand, both blushing as various grins were turned their way. It was good to see. Wanda knew it was early days and nothing was guaranteed, but she was more than ready to see Peter marry the girl and make little geniuses with her. It had been a long time since there were babies in the Manor, and recent events had confirmed that the world needed more smart people... especially ones who were not opposed to wearing masks.

”I hope things ge-ge-get better soon,” Rabbit murmured as they all sat together later, looking at the fire.

Wanda sipped a big mug of cocoa and snuggled under a thick blanket; the old library could get very chilly at night, despite the comparatively mild West Coast weather. The other humans, including the Walter Workers who had joined them eventually, each had a mug and a blanket. Peter and Lorene shared a large, fleecy throw, as well as a tendency to giggle together quietly to a joke no one else shared. It pleased Wanda greatly.

”I think they will, Rabbit. Maybe not everything, and maybe some things will get worse before they get better, but they won’t be terrible forever,” Peter said.

”I think the concert distracted the audience from all the things they can’t do right now," The Spine said. "I could see the smiles in their eyes.”

”We’ve had a lot of positive feedback online,” Chelsea said sleepily from the loveseat where she shared a blanket with her sister.

“And some new fan fiction, I bet,” Rabbit said with a broad wink at The Spine, who completely ignored her.

”You distinguished yourself well in the battle,” The Spine said to Zer0, adding, with a sour look at Rabbit, “Better than _last_ time.”

She grinned sheepishly. ”Hey, I did promise not ta play dead anymore after that. S-s-so Zer0 don’t think he actually killed anyone.”

”I didn’t think I killed you!” Zer0 objected.

”Then why’d ya cry so hard?” she demanded.

”I was getting into the role!”

They all snickered.

Zer0 pouted a little before perking up. ”But I did good?” he asked brightly. 

”You did,” The Spine replied. “Especially that shot that hit Rabbit right between the eyes.”

Rabbit grinned. “Yeah, that one was pretty sweet!”

”You’re not angry?” The Spine asked. “You were at the time.”

”Nah. He wasnt hurtin’ nobody, just havin’ fun like the rest of us! Tha world has too many angry people already. I guess I can try an’ g-get over silly stuff, and maybe folks will stop gettin’ mad when things don’t go their way an’ be patient an’ look at tha good stuff, and just think about that until things get better. Like Zer0 just did.”

Zer0 grinned proudly as they all murmured their sleepy agreement and moved on to discussions of holiday feasts.

"Rabbit..." The Spine said as the humans debated whether turkey was better than ham.

”Yeah, bro?”

"I can’t take it anymore. I know you’re up to something but I’m afraid to wait and find out what it is.”

”Who, me? I’m a saint!”

”Like hell...”

”No, seriously! I ain’t up ta anything!”

“Then what's the deal with your endless obsession with sex?"

"My what?" she snorted. "Oh, that’s what yehr worried about...”

”Do you blame me? It’s all you’ve talked about all day!”

”Well, yeah. The plan was ta ta-ta-take people’s minds off their troubles. But all ya do is worry, what with sicknesses and evil governments and, well... all that other stuff I don’t wanna remind ya about. All tha stuff that could hurt yehr family an’ fans. Because yehr awesome like that.

”So tha only way I could think of to do distract ya was ta give ya a different worry for a while!”

The Spine scowled. “Seriously?”

”It worked!”

”And I was still worried!”

”Yeah, but now ya don’t got nothin’ ta worry about because I was just givin' ya a hard time!"

The Spine opened his mouth... and closed it again. It made sense, in a Rabbit sort of way. Like hitting someone’s foot with a mallet to distract them from a headache. He stared into the fire and sipped his water thoughtfully.

”Thanks,” he muttered. “I think...”

”Sorry I couldn’t come up with so-somethin’ better, big guy. I hope ya won’t have so much ta worry about soon.”

”I hope that for all of us, Rabbit.”

”Yeah.”


End file.
